Offbeat Sayings, or the Art of Wisdom by Trial and Error

I'm feeling odd this evening, oh Rambling Masses, in a good kind of way. Time to make up some words of wisdom with a twist?

• Never forget to take the time to smell the roses. But check for bees first…
• Make hay while the sun shines, but not during bushfire season... and don't forget to wear sunblock and a good hat…
• Be understanding of others' mistakes. Laugh at your own…
• Be elliptical…
• Find something to make you laugh each and every day. If in doubt, use nitrous oxide…
• There are nearly 7 billion people that you don't know, and that know nothing about you. Try to change that…
• When you're walking the path, don't just look straight ahead. There's some really exciting stuff off to the sides…
• Pearls are just oyster tumours. What does that say about pearls of wisdom…
• How you enter this world and how you leave it are certain. Embrace the uncertainty in the middle…
• Every now and then, stare at your toes - they start to look really weird after a while…
• If you are ever bored, find the drill that did it and turn it off…
• If you ever find yourself getting angry, imagine how silly other people think you look when you are trying to put on your best angry face…
• Carpenters who make their own bed must also lie in it…
• If science is really that good, where's my flying car and my holiday trips to the moonbase…
• Why do we walk around like we own the planet, when we are only custodians of its diverse wonders…
• If words don’t come easy, wouldn’t they make great lovers…
• The journey is every bit as important as the destination. Stop to ask for directions once in a while, and don’t be afraid to make a few wrong turns. Watch out for gingerbread houses, though…
• If pain is the realisation of life, pick at the sores every now and then…
• Look far afield and deep within with the same vigour…
• Savour the past, live the now, dream of the future, and plot for world domination…
• If life is too difficult, take some lessons…
• Never be mediocre – aim for fabulous. You score more chicks that way…
• Find someone that inspires you, even if it’s yourself…
• The closer you get to the centre of a turning circle, the slower it’s moving. At the very centre, it’s not moving at all. Whoa…
• If your mind is playing tricks on you – great. Some people pay good money for that…
• Would we still love the story quite so much if it had been a Trojan Warthog…
• Build your beliefs as a house of cards, so that the slightest breeze can knock it down. Then start whistling…
• Backing yourself into a corner is bad. Backing yourself into a sharp spike is worse…
• If you think you’re dreaming, don’t pinch yourself. Get 16 naked nymphettes to do it instead…
• Everyone should make chunky soup at least once in their lives. It’s very satisfying…
• Driving a car gets you places quickly. Too quickly. Try walking instead – you experience so much more of life’s wonders that way… including blisters if your shoes suck…
• If you’re too busy, take the time to do something silly… but don’t take the time to be too busy again, because that would be silly…
• Don’t worry about things you have no control over. This means you have control over whether to worry or not, and that worries me…
• Saying sorry is easy. Meaning it can be harder…
• Happy people are fun to be around. Since you are the one person you can’t escape from, just be happy for the sake of it and enjoy the fun…
• There’s no such thing as a bad kung fu movie…
• If time is an illusion, are we the illusionists…
• Taking yourself too seriously is a serious problem…
• Ask yourself these questions often – who am I and how can I become a better person? Then go and have a beer and forget all about it…
• No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone who is better at it. Except for “being you” – no one is better at being you than you. Except for your evil twin…
• Occupy life…
• Did you know that in Denmark some people still call moisturiser “cow tit cream”? Ah, the good old days…

Hey, I'm starting to see a small book of offbeat sayings in the making here. If you like some of this rambling mess that I've come up with, let me know. If enough of you give megalomaniacal me the positive feedback that I crave, I might just write that book.